For dinner I had spegetti with chickpeas & various other vegetables, chocolate shaped like SpongeBob Square Pants for desert...now on to the mental chatter, which is the reason for such a blog as this.
I used to journal quite a bit. It was honest, dramatic, and at times poetic, definitely romantic in the swells of emotion sort of way. My life was not rainbows & sunshine, although I do love a good rainbow and am pretty fond of the sun beaming through clouds... but at least I felt I was in touch with myself. ("I don't want anybody else, When I think about you, I touch myself.." random musical falshback :/ )
I have felt very disconnected from me on and off for the past few years. I woke up to realize it's been over a year since I began my current job (which I didn't think I would even endure for an entire year). I acknowledge I have been going through the motions of life for over a year and have had only fleeting moments of really feeling alive or being me. By me, I am identifying my personality, which I had come to accept, value, and enjoyed living in on a daily basis. I knew my faults and assets. I was ok with them and felt I was progressing in becoming more authentic and at home with just who I am. Cut to the past year... I have worked a tremendous amount of hours, for which I was paid little and taxed great. I work in an extremely unhealthy environment, mentally unhealthy, with hostility and laziness... this is NOT going to be a blog brimming with work complaints! Basically, I have been doing right action with the motive being it's the right thing to do. Whilst, I have been neglecting my inner self and allowing things to fester... or go untended for over a year. Now I have had bouts of self assessment and have progressed in some areas...yet for the most part...it bothers me very much that I still have spells of depression, self doubt, perfectionism, competetiveness. I understand this is an aspect of the human condition. Neglect your inner self, your spirituality and you will be disconnected, at least borderline resentful and lacking the feeling of being the you you once befriended.
This blog is an effort to get to know me again and befriend her. I want to know what really inspires me, what makes me truly smile, how I love and receive love. I want to explore my personality in relation to my Christianity. I want to throw off every wieght that entangles so that I may know God...really know Him, really be loved by Him, accept how that love changes me. I want to know Him and not the legalist retoric or conservative palaver, or demotcratic for that matter. I want to wholly experience and know His grace and how that relates to my personality as well. And in doing so I hope to discover what I am to be or do in this short life I've been given. (Isn't palaver such a great beautiful word!)
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